![]() If only they'd stuck with this one.Kindergarten Cop / Twins / Junior (DVD, 1990) Region 4.ġ Schwarzenegger stars as an undercover cop posing as a kindergarten teacher in order to a dangerous criminal. This 90s comedy-thriller was the product of the Ivan Reitman-Arnie partnership that had already resulted in Twins (1998) and was yet to spawn Junior (1994). ![]() Thanks to Arnie's lesson on "stranger danger" the kids are able to bleat their alert that there's an unsavoury type in their midst.Ī kind of poor man's Frances McDormand, Kimble's partner in crime-fighting, Detective Phoebe O'Hara (Pamela Reed) puts in some well-timed moves, as does the ferret and, despite shots being fired, all ends happily ever after. ![]() Arnie's tummy butterflies for Dominic's mum only intensify the drama, which makes its way through a series of elegant plot manoeuvres into an evacuated (bar a couple of snogging seniors in a store cupboard) school with a fire alert and an active sprinkler system. Kindergarten Cop reaches its action-tastic fever pitch when the bad guy and his Cruella de Vil of a mother arrive in town to snatch little Dominic away. There are bunches and dungarees, capers with ferrets and right hooks to the ribs of child-beating fathers – this film somewhat ambitiously tries to pack a punch when it comes to the "issues" as well as the goo. Dominic's mother happens to be a fellow teacher at the school, opening the door for a hallway romance – the phenomenal awkwardness of which is best summed up by a toe-curling scene involving Arnie and a milk moustache. Thanks to such tactics as this well-thought-through classroom exercise, Kimble does in fact weasel out which of the lovable rugrats he teaches is the son of Crisp: sensitive little soul Dominic. In response to Arnie – the man-sized pepperami's – educational game, 'Who is your daddy and what does he do?' one little squirt announces: "My dad is a gynaecologist and he looks at vaginas all day long." Twins with matching side pineapple ponytails blurt out: "Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine." Cue kiddy bloopers galore and Arnie reaching the end of his fuse and howling like a wild-eyed Austrian kraken in the midst of snotty-nosed little girls and the little boys looking up their frocks. Much of the film's charm rests on the hulk that is Arnie squaring up to a classroom of six-year-olds and coming out worst. If you've yet to see this cinematic gem, think Etre et Avoir meets Die Hard, with a sprig of Ronnie Corbett's Small Talk thrown in for flavour. And all the while Arnie teaches the kiddywinks their times tables and to recite the Gettysburg address by heart, wearing fake beards and cardboard top hats. His mission: to find the ex-wife and son of a drug dealer and convince the former to testify against the film's pony-tailed villain, Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson) a baddie who could have come from no other decade but the 90s. In it, Arnie shows his cotton candy insides as the hard-nosed, hard-pec-ed cop, John Kimble, who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher in a small town in Oregon, "the single parent capital of America". No, there is one pinnacle of guilt-inducingly pleasurable cinema: Kindergarten Cop. ![]()
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